What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
