I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
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Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
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we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation