We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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