Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
where are my eyebrows?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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