dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
