i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
