You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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