things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
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this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
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The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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