Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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