On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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