New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
