I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
