i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
