In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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