cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
