You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wish you could order shots online.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
