she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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