I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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