Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
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apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
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Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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