About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
