if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
