Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
