After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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