Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
