At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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