I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
