Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
