I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
