are you still at the devil's house?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
