Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
