it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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