The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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