Im at strip club and am horny
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
