apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
