I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
