Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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