My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm always down for nudity.
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