I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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