If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
