I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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