Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
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Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
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I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
All I want is dick and wine.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize