I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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