i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
