Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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