Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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