2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
