I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
