Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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