You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
