i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
