Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
