The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
