Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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