she woke up with a sticky ear
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Even the bartender felt bad for me
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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