I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize